Vanpool Ponderings

I drive a 15 passenger van Monday through Friday from Douglasville into Atlanta, and back again - about a 75-mile round trip. This gives me plenty of time to entertain thoughts. Today it was raining on the drive home, and I realized how obsessed I am with getting my windshield wipers to wipe my windshield at the right speed. It drives me crazy. I blame an ex-girlfriend for this.

This ex once expressed to me that she thought guys who turned their windshield wipers on in a light rain were "wimpy." And even in a heavy rain, she claimed it was not very manly to have the windshield wipers going full speed. Apparently she thought that a man should not panic just because he can't really see where he's going. Instead, he should be a man about it, and trust his manly instincts to guide him while he waits for a respectable amount of water to blind him. Only then is it acceptable to wipe the shield - and then only on a lower setting, so that he must constantly rely on his manhood to see him through the elements.

I know of course how retarded an idea this is. I believe I even told her at the time just how retarded the notion of I-can't-see-where-I'm-going-and-that-means-I'm-not-a-sissy driver is. And yet...

I observe other drivers when it's raining. I watch the speed of the windshield wipers on the vehicle behind me when I'm stopped at a light. If the rain is coming down lightly, and I see frantic wipers behind me, I look to see if the driver is a man. If he is, I scoff. I judge. I think he needs to calm down and man up. Can't he handle a few drops? Doesn't he know he's not even moving?

But my wiper philosophy is different from the philosophy of my ex girlfriend. Quirky yes, but I like to think it makes a bit more sense. I still don't think it's manly at all to see how long you can hold out before you wipe your shield. That's still stupid. Instead, I'm all about the timing and the adjustment. You see, I drive in rain with the belief that I must constantly adjust the speed of my wipers to reflect driving conditions. In my mind, I consider many factors - the size and frequency of the drops, the width and girth of my windshield, the direction of the wind, the speed of my vehicle, the amount of daylight, the curvature and grade of the road - and I adjust my windshield wiper speed accordingly. since these factors are in a constant state of flux, I am continually evaluating and readjusting the speed of my wipers. I am rarely satisfied - always looking for the optimal wipe, and by the time I pull into the carport, I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I don't do this to be manly. I do this simply because I have to. And the reason I have to is because it feels irresponsible now to drive with the wipers wiping furiously if the circumstances do not warrant furious wipers. It's like those people who sigh dramatically out of habit - not because something all that dramatic happened, but because at the first sign of drama, they've conditioned themselves to sigh as if they've just been tasked with solving world hunger. again. 

So maybe I feel a bit superior to others because of my ability to appropriately adjust the speed of wipers. So what? Maybe I'm writing this so that I'm no longer the only one who is aware of my unique ability. Maybe I'm writing this in the hopes that I'm not alone - that there are others out there who are like me - those with special wiper abilities.

And yet I can't help but wonder - what if my ex girlfriend had kept her mouth shut? Would I have the wiper obsession I have now? And if not, would I have remained happy in my ignorance? Wiping furiously? Needlessly? This ability - it is a curse. It is a blessing. 

Am I alone?